Selfishness
by Risa Hijikata
Summary: When the unexpected happened, Gintoki rushed with his heart, heavy in his hands. He anxiously waited for the news that he wanted to hear and empathised with the fate that was given to him. Toushirou curled with vulnerability and emotions burst forth like the flood. It can only be calmed by the presence of selfishness. Gin x Hiji; One-shot. -COMPLETE-


**Warning: So...cliche.**

 **Disclaimer: Gorilla wouldn't be this cliche.**

* * *

 **Selfishness**

* * *

There was a sudden call in the middle of the night.

He ignored it, too lazy to get up from the warmth of his futon. And anyway, who would be rude enough to call at this hour? Whatever it was, Gintoki is sure that the person at the other end could wait until tomorrow.

 _Click_

The ringing stopped and Gintoki expected the usual beep to indicate that the answering machine has started recording messages.

But the silence continued... only for a full second before the phone rang again.

The shrill ring disturbed the midnight air and Gintoki remembered for the first time that he was in the middle of re-setting the voice-message that afternoon before a job call interrupted him and left it unfinished. Now that the voice-message is off, he has no choice but to get up and pick the call up himself.

The ringing persistently continued. He picked up the receiver, stifling a yawn and drawled his customary introduction before he was cut off by a familiar voice.

'-Danna! It's terrible!-'

At the other end, Yamazaki's panicked voice jolted him awake.

'-The Vice-Commander, he...'

He listened to the bad news and instantly, his blood ran cold at the premonition. He quickly wrote down the address dictated to him and hurriedly placed the phone back to its receiver.

Grabbing the nearest coat, he draped it over his pyjamas and after snatching a few of his essentials, he fled out of the comfort of his home in a flash.

He did not care of how the few people who are still traveling the streets at that hour were obviously staring at him as they passed him by. The coat and the pyjamas underneath, provided him with minimal warmth in the cold breeze of the turning autumn weather but he paid it little attention.

Surely, the weather is only one of the reasons he felt cold because currently, his heart is experiencing another form of coldness that he could not shake away as easily.

'The Vice-Commander is in trouble. He was rushed to the hospital a moment ago for severe bleeding... At this rate, he might die of blood loss.' Yamazaki had continuously rambled without taking another breath. 'Please come. Come quickly.'

Gintoki was clearly rattled but the person on the other end of the receiver could not notice it. Fear crept into his heart at the notion that death might once again come to take away someone who is precious to him.

'I'll be there soon.' He replied.

The background noise over the phone and Yamazaki's own panicked voice made him sounds calm in comparison.

In truth, his heart was more chaotic than anyone else's.

'That stupid, rotten piece of a Vice-Commander. How the hell can you get yourself into this mess.' He muttered.

He tried to gain some semblance of order in his thoughts and in his feelings by talking to himself. He tried not to betray the worry that he felt onto his face even though it showed in his pace. His large strides, -currently between a jog and a run-, carried him quickly over the hill.

He reached the hospital as he turned into another street corner and whatever calm he managed to muster, deserted him at the entrance. He rushed to the reception desk, stumbling over his words to ask about the man who was carried in recently, yet he only received the answer, '...that patient is still in the Emergency Room. If you could wait outsi-'

-And Gintoki did not spare her another second but to run straight down the hall and to the left, where the Emergency Room is. He saw Yamazaki there, crouched and leaning against the white bleached wall. The man looked up as Gintoki approached and he hurriedly scrabbled to his feet to explain the situation.

Gintoki was dumb-struck, watching through the small glass window over the man's shoulder to see doctors and nurses scurrying inside, paying as little attention as to what Yamazaki is saying.

'...a sword wound on his abdominal aorta...'

He saw the doctors gave demanding orders to the nurses. They pushed an electronic device closer to the hospital bed.

'...bled profusely...severe blood loss..'

They passed something like the defibrillator to the doctor and turned on the switches.

'...critical condition..'

The body jerked and the doctor gestured once more.

'...it was my fault, Danna. Hijikata-san was covering for me and got hurt instead.'

He turned his attention back to the man in front of him. 'The gorilla and the sadist are..?'

'They're still fighting at the scene. I slipped Hijikata-san away in the chaos.'

Gintoki patted his shoulder silently. A slight tension left him although Gintoki knew that he is nowhere feeling relieved.

Not until the white-coat doctor walked through that door with the words that they would like to hear.

It was a long night and several hours passed them by until it was close to dawn. They detained the passing nurses but none of them would say anything other than, 'Please wait patiently. He is undergoing an intense surgery at the moment. '

Yamazaki looked worse for the wear and Gintoki suggested for him to go home and take a rest but he adamantly refused.

'How could I leave Vice-Commander to rest at a time like this!?'

'You have dark circles under your eyes.' Gin retorted.

'And so do you, Danna.' He retorted back.

'...I'm,.. originally like this so it's ok. It looks attractive on me.' The silver-perm gave a pained smile.

Yamazaki was too tired to give a straight-man comeback. Only a little more push was needed for Gintoki to persuade him to rest because frankly, he really does look terrible.

'Go home. It's getting lighter outside and people are coming. Your clothing isn't suitable for a hospital visit.' Gintoki pointed at his bloodied uniform.

He looked at himself as if he had just realised it for the first time. There was defeat written across his features but then he noticed Gintoki's own sloppy attire of pyjamas, the long overall coat that covered it and the geta* on his feet. In his haste, he had thrown away any effort for decency and Yamazaki realised just how worried Gin must have been internally.

'Please tell me when there's news.' He looked uncertain.

Gintoki scratched his perms in slight frustration. 'I will. Just go home and then you can check up on him again when he's out of ER.'

'Make sure that you'll still tell me even if the news is bad, Danna.' He walked away slowly, reluctant to leave.

Gintoki made a small motion with his hand as if to 'shoo' him away. As Yamazaki's figure turned the corner and out of sight, he shifted his focus once more to the surgery inside.

It was not until an hour later that the light to the 'operation in progress' sign turned off. The doctor stepped out, peeling the white mask on his face away with bloodied gloves.

'How is he?' Gintoki asked. Giving the doctor no chance to start the conversation himself.

'His life is not in danger. We've done what we can. Now we only need to wait for him to regain his consciousness.'

Gintoki collapsed to his knees. The relief washed over him like the summer rain's shower. He wiped his face a couple more times before he pushed himself up again.

'Have you contacted his family?' The doctor continued.

Gintoki hesitated but answered the question evenly nonetheless. 'He's an orphan. But I'm his close friend and he's like family to me anyway.'

'I see.' The doctor muttered. 'Well then, this is supposed to be an information for his family but,...'

Gintoki listened calmly as he gritted his teeth.

'...-if you could please support him,-..'

'Doctor,' He sharply cuts in. 'Let me be the one to tell him.'

The doctor stared at the dark red eyes for a moment before he nodded. 'I understand.'

* * *

The 5th day in the hospital, Hijikata Toshirou woke up from his long slumber.

Gintoki saw the long lashes fluttered open and the glazed eyes behind it regarded him blearily.

'Good morning, lazy tax-robber. Had a nice dream?' He casually greeted the disorientated patient.

Toushirou blinked several times and registered the white walls and the sterile scent. 'This is... the hospital?'

'Bingo. Nice guess, Toshirou-kun. You'll make one good detective in the future- ah, ah.. Don't get up just yet. Just lie down.' Gintoki pushed the struggling figure back onto the bed. The man couldn't give much of a resistance as strength hadn't return yet to his limbs.

'I was still fighting in that commotion with Kondo-san. ...What...happened?'

Gintoki shrugged. 'Not much. Just that you got yourself stabbed and got carried to ER. After your heart stopped once, you came back from the dead and went through an emergency operation and then you didn't regain your consciousness until today.' Gintoki leaned back on his chair as he crossed his arms at the back of his head.

'It's been 5 days since then, by the way.' He added.

His eyes grew large with surprise at that information. 'Wha-...' Toshirou stopped himself and proceeded to think over something in his mind.

'Did the mission turned out alright?'

Gintoki scoffed. 'Everything turned out jolly, alright. It was just you who was stupid enough to _not_ turn out alright. The heck were you doing getting run through with a sword!?'

Toushirou scowled, disliking Gintoki's obvious jab at his mistake. 'I just let my guard down for a moment. As long as Kondo-san and the others are alright...'

Gintoki knew that he was covering for Yamazaki. The subordinate had tearfully apologised to him in the five days that he visited the hospital; bringing flowers and fruits as a visiting gift without looking at his eyes for consecutive days. Gintoki did not keep any grudges at him for the situation to be turning out like this but the guilt was too much for the man, he realised.

'They're all alright. That plain Yamazaki's been coming back and forth littering your hospital room with these stuff.' He pointed to the fresh flowers in the vase and the basket of fruits on the side table. 'He'll probably be happy that you've decided to wake up now so that he can ask you to sign off more paperworks.'

Toushirou gave an annoyed chuckle and muttered, '...bastard.'

They lapsed into a comfortable silence where Toushirou is mostly trying to accustom himself with the situation.

Gintoki on the other hand, felt stifled. There was something that he had to let Toushirou know but he hesitated if this is the time to tell him.

'Tosshi...' He began. '...do you want to live with me?'

Toushirou was surprised as to the question and as to what brought about this topic.

'And be around you and your red beans obsession 24/7? No thanks.' He countered. 'What brought about that creepy question?'

The scowl on Gintoki's face was not the usual expression he had when they usually banter. The light jab that Toushirou had replied with had somehow became heavy in the tense atmosphere.

'What is it? What's wrong?' He started to worry and pressed for an answer that Gintoki hesitated to give.

'Listen and stay calm, ok. The doctor-,... He said, your nerves are damaged. The lower half of your body-'

'-is paralysed, I see.' He finished the sentence. 'No wonder I couldn't even feel any tingling in my feet.'

Toushirou gave one of his rare smiles but it was a sad one and something in Gintoki broke at the sight.

He bowed his head and closed his eyes for a second but he opened them just as suddenly when something occurred to him.

'Did Kondo-san asked you to take care of me because I'll be a burden to the Shinsengumi?'

Gintoki quickly denied it, 'No, no. That stupid gorilla would never think of something like that. I asked you to move in out of my own selfishness.'

'Your...selfishness?'

'Well, there was this phone call that I received in the middle of the night and it gave me a heart attack because a certain someone was stupid enough to get himself stabbed. So I thought, who knows how this guy'll injure himself again the next time because seriously, you're just a hazard to yourself. Living with me will be heaps safer, I'm sure.' The perm concluded. 'And truth to be told, I just don't like heart attacks at midnight.'

Toushirou watched him in amusement and slight chuckles threatened to escape him. 'Don't think too hard.' He warned. 'You're not used to it.'

'How rude. This natural perm is the proof of my superior brain. My genius should astound you.'

'I look forward to it in the 24/7 I'll be around you.'

'It's a given-...' Gintoki stopped in his tracks to realise what Toushirou had just said. 'Eh? You mean...'

There was a sad smile plastered on his face and slowly, he turned his face away to watch the blue sky reflected through the window. A soft sigh escaped him and Gintoki looked at that solemn figure with a melancholic expression.

* * *

That night, Gintoki sneaked into the hospital even though he knew that visiting hours had passed a long time ago.

He left him in the afternoon as the Shinsengumi came in groups to see their Vice-Commander awake. It was an emotional display that Gintoki felt out of place of and thus he left quietly without even saying goodbye.

Toushirou's reaction on the news of his disability that morning unsettled him. He wondered if it was too soon to tell him and that he should have let him rest for several more days before breaking the news but he reasoned that Toushirou is not stupid and that he would have noticed it himself eventually.

The quite resignation that Toushirou displayed was unlike the man he had usually argued with and it made him restless. He couldn't be sure as to whether Toushirou had quietly accepted his fate or was actually putting a brave front for him but in whichever case, he did not like it. The usual Hijikata was full of fire and be it of short-temper or fighting-spirit, his response to a banter would not be so meek.

He walked along the hospital corridor stealthily and was lucky enough to not encounter the nurse on duty. He came upon the patient room number 533 and slid the door open silently. He peeked into the unwelcoming darkness and the dim light behind him washed his silhouette into the pitch-black room.

Gintoki entered and closed the door behind him, returning the room to its former darkness. He expected something from the bed area but he couldn't hear a rustle or any signs of movement that would indicate to him of the fact that Toushirou noticed his entrance. Thinking him to be asleep, Gintoki approached the bed to make sure but instead, there was the sound of quiet whimpers that he had previously missed.

Gintoki stood stock still for a second and let his eyes adjusted to the darkness. He saw the lump underneath the blanket and the figure lying on his side shook to try to stifle the escaping sobs.

Gintoki approached the bed again and was rewarded with a jerk from the bed as he cried, 'Who's there?'

'Just a nurse passing by.' He monotonously replied but Gintoki had the feeling that his voice might have been lower than usual, containing his emotions.

Surprised, the patient tried to mask it with anger. 'Y-you! What are you doing here!?' Toushirou tried to turn his body to face the intruder but it was hard for him to adjusts his position and Gintoki rushed forward to help.

'No! Leave me alone! I can do it myself!' Toushirou tried to slap away the hands reaching for him but he ended up losing his balance in the process. Gintoki caught him and Toushirou tried to shove him away but the man's grip was firm on him.

'Why are you here? Are you going to laugh at me for all this mess? Why can't you just leave me alone?' The tears fell freely even though the man had willed it to stop.

Gintoki stood by his bedside, holding on to the man who tried to weakly pushed him away. He gave no answers to Toushirou's question, knowing that whatever answer he'll give, the man will only turn it into something that'll fuel his self-derision. He stroked the vulnerable back instead, and let him muffled his cries of anger, sorrow and frustration on the fabric of his kimono.

Toushirou had been too strong.

He had just woken up that day after escaping death only to receive the news that he will never walk again. He had processed the news quietly, and decided for himself to live together with his lover. It must have been heart-breaking for him, for not being able to return to the Shinsengumi that he had poured his soul into, not when he could not protect himself and could only burden others with the way he is.

This afternoon, he had forced himself to smile reassuringly to Kondo-san and his subordinates. He convinced them -and himself-, that he is as invincible as before, disabled or not. They replied with tears and sad smiles, Kondo-san and Yamazaki especially wailed their anguish for him but he was calm and composed.

It was not until he was alone at night, that the flood of emotions within him burst forth. His heart was crushed but not a sound echoed within his scream. All his rage, frustration and sorrow for what he had lost, rolled into one to form a choked sob. It was continued with small sobs and the whimper passed from his lips until Gintoki came and interrupted him.

The glow of the moon is reflected on the closed curtain. In the dark, the two hearts beat together to acknowledge the same pain.

Toushirou calmed after a while, inhaling Gintoki's scent deeply to compose himself. The hand stroking his back did not cease its motion.

'I'm a selfish man.' Gintoki spoke up for the first time since he came and Toushirou was startled by his sudden confession.

'Asking you to move in with me had nothing to do with the Shinsengumi's sake or for your sake. It was for me.' Gintoki swallowed.

'I've lost a lot of important people because I couldn't protect them. I was young then and inexperienced. My power wasn't enough to protect them all and having to lose them, it had made me give up in creating anything important in my life.' There was deep sadness in his voice and Toushirou's heart ached with sympathy. He could not offer any words of consolation with the way he's currently feeling and instead, continued to listen.

'But I don't know since when, that I am once again surrounded by important people. Even though I knew I would experience the same heartache if I lose them again, I still...' Gintoki trailed. The motion of his hand stopped to lift Toushirou's face towards him.

'You're the one I don't want to lose the most.' He murmured. 'You're the one I'm most afraid to lose.'

Gintoki moved to hug him tight.

'I know that having you all to my self is selfish but I can't help it.' He whispered.

Toushirou settled himself on the crook of Gintoki's shoulder. Everything that had depressed him had suddenly lifted from his heart. A sense of comfort and security settled in place and there was a deep sense of affection and endearment that he felt for the man in his embrace. He gently squeezed his arms that are encircling Gintoki's back in response and quietly, he whispered at the base of his neck.

Gintoki shifted and asked, 'What did you say? I couldn't catch it.'

Toushirou shook his head. He closed his eyes and let himself be comforted in the warmth of the body on his arms.

He supposed he is a selfish man too, for being so happy when Gintoki was so worried about him. For being happy that Gintoki claimed it was his selfishness when it was actually an excuse for him to share his pain.

For being there, when he needed him the most.

He had no words to offer in return. He too, is selfish but he couldn't help it because,... _I love you._

* * *

 **A/N:** Cheesy? Check. Sappy? Check. Lame? Yeah, check. Idc. I like my afternoon cliche soap opera.

*geta: bamboo sandals that clacks when you walk

*Danna: title for boss (of Yorozuya in this case)


End file.
